on what to say when you have nothing to say
my loves, it is once again friday and I find myself with a blinking cursor staring at me from the top of a blank page, my mind switching between overdrive and nothingness with each second that ticks by. I have never been so aware of the ebb and flow of my creative expression as I am these days, this ritual of showing up every Friday serving as a check in point for where in the cycle this expression lies each time. I’m so used to creating because I have no choice due to looming deadlines and building pressure to get to the finish line. this season of creating for myself, from deep within me in the way that I have been since deciding to show up regularly here is still taking some getting used to. I have to create that pressure myself, ensuring it is a healthy one, to remain consistent in my practice and proving to myself that i don’t need the push from the outside to do so. I’ve never successfully done so until now. I’ve never been able to trust myself to maintain a ritual with the consistency I have been until now and even then i’m still not doing so perfectly. But I think the biggest lesson i’m learning is that I don’t have to show up perfectly. I don’t have to provide stellar results 100% of the time to be expressing myself creatively and authentically. In fact, trying to be perfect all the time is the opposite of authenticity because that level of perfection does not exist. Yet, every so often, almost like clockwork really, I forget this is the case. I lose sight of the fact that in showing up here each week whether I have something profound to say or not is a generous thing, both for you and for myself. Sharing myself in this way might feel daunting and intimidating in those moments when I feel unsure of what I want to use my voice to say but it serves as a reminder to us all of the Ebb and flow that is present in all aspects of life.
just as the seasons come and go, so do inspiration, creativity, motivation, energy, and focus. Some days we will feel so energised by our practices, other days the pot feels empty and no amount of convincing will get us up and creating. Some days we have all the time in the world to commit to our craft, others life gets in the way and time runs away from us. Sometimes we feel empowered to share our vulnerable expression with the world, other times it feels scary and uncomfortable and honestly like the last thing we want to do. Some things are easy to share without second thought, others tug at our heartstrings, begging us to keep it inside for fear of being truly seen, flaws and all. Some days we have something to say, some days we have nothing. Such is the way of life and these truths are shifting and changing all the time. We are so conditioned to fight them, to push through whatever is blocking us and produce, produce, produce. The resistance to it all is so second nature that I’m finding it so difficult to notice the source let alone change my reaction to it. How do you heal a wound you can’t see, that shifts and changes ever so slightly each day just to keep you on your toes? by slowly reminding yourself that you don’t have to figure it all out today. That you don’t need to decipher the answers and crack the code all at once. That each time you show up even when you don’t want to, you’re pouring love and trust into that wound you’re so desperate to heal. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.
i didn’t want to write today. I’ve been putting it off from the moment I opened my eyes, doing anything and everything I could to avoid it. I’ve been truly present for the smallest fraction of my day because of that knawing feeling within me that was resisting doing something I’d promised myself I’d do. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, so tired from socialising and living my life that I felt I needed a day of nothingness just to recover, and so the solution seemed to be to say nothing at all. But ignoring that promise to myself to show up here even on days such as these just made me feel worse and worse about myself as the day went on. So here I am, sat in the basement of my apartment building waiting for the spinning of the tumble drier to slow to a stop, finally trying to find something to say. I realised as the drum of the drier lulled me into a contemplative state that all I had to do was tell you the truth. That I felt empty of wisdom today and to remind myself that that is ok and in fact completely normal. I needed to remind myself that my writing doesn’t always have to be good as long as it’s at least honest. I think that’s all I have in me today but the pride I now feel in myself for the fact that I made it this far is exactly what I needed.
All that’s left to do is wish you a peaceful and blessed weekend and bid you goodbye until next Friday rolls around. happy weekend you wonderful people.
if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.
big love to you all x