These last few days have been pretty difficult emotionally. I’ve had an existential crisis or two, something I’ve managed to experience less and less over time and so am a little out of practice with handling. I have a tendency to get stuck in my head and confuse myself about what I’m actually feeling and what I want to be doing in life. Sometimes I don’t trust my inner compass enough and listen to other people’s thoughts and feelings about things than my own. I am a recovering advice addict. There was a period of time over the last few years where I genuinely felt unable to make my own decisions. I would discuss my confusion with anyone and everyone who would listen, trying to understand what they would do in my situation and adjust my actions accordingly. I wasn’t aware of my gut, or my intuition or whatever you want to call it, let alone able to follow it. The thing is, every time this occurred, I became so frustrated with myself for being unable to make these decisions for myself. I criticised and shamed myself for this reliance on others to navigate my way through life, which of course only made matters worse. Talking to yourself in this way is a recipe for disaster, it does no one any good.

But there was hope for me yet. The fact that I could acknowledge that this whole situation was unhealthy and was a problem for me was the first step towards learning to trust myself in the way I wanted to. I am learning how to turn inwards in these moments of confusion and indecision. To seek inside of myself the answers I so desperately sought from others, to find the answers that will truly guide me in the right direction for me. I have to say this. Asking others for advice is not weak or wrong. The people around us see our lives from a different perspective and that can be extremely valuable. Your eyes may be opened to things you previously couldn’t see, other people can help you to understand the world and your place in it. But the only person that can truly understand the pros and cons of whatever decision you are on the verge of making is you. Only you can understand what speaks to your soul and feels most in alignment with the life you dream of living. Only you can know when to play it safe and when to push out of your comfort zone. Only you can know what speaks to your truth and feels right in your heart.

Over the past year while i’ve been doing all this shifting and growing into myself I have learnt a few things about trusting yourself.

You cannot trust yourself without first knowing yourself. I don’t mean the kind of knowing yourself that is big and deep and takes years and years of work. I mean knowing yourself in the every day, the kind that is gentle and intuitive and regular. I mean the kind of knowing that sees you checking in with what feels good and what does not in each moment, in the world you occupy. Checking in with yourself with what brings you peace or excitement or joy and what brings you stress, pain and anguish. It’s knowing when you feel uncomfortable and out of alignment and committing to understanding and honouring yourself in each moment. Connecting with yourself in this way is the first step towards deepening your trust and care for yourself and finding true alignment.

The second step is digging deeper into this hesitance to make these decisions. What is triggering you? Why are you feeling fear? Is this fear the good kind, the kind that rears it’s head as you hesitate on the threshold of your comfort zone, that strikes right before you expand and grow in ways you could never have expected? Or is it the kind of fear that must be listened to, the kind that warns of more harm than good? Determining the answer to these questions can help us really get clear on what’s threatening to hold us back, causing us to pause unsure of which step is the right one to take.

My mantra for this past year has been “feel the fear and do it anyway” an overused Pinterest worthy quote that on the surface seems cheesy but that has genuinely changed my life. I’ve made decisions that have terrified me, pushed me so far out of my comfort zone I cant even see it on the horizon, finding myself in unrecognisable territory and having to learn how to stand on my own two feet in such uncharted waters. I found I had been fuelled by the first kind of fear, the fear that felt rich with possibility and promise and ultimately led to the biggest period of growth and expansion I have ever experienced in my adult life. Granted, I’m only 22 but this year has felt pretty life changing. And in taking those first steps towards making more of my own decisions, no matter how big or small they may be, was pretty liberating. I experienced what it meant to take that leap of faith, to let go and trust my gut and it’s paid off. Over and over again. I don’t always get it right, don’t always make the best decisions. But that’s called being human. Decision making and trusting your gut is a muscle that strengthens over time with commitment and consistency. You begin to realise that these decisions that feel daunting and overwhelming? They often aren’t nearly as big as we make them out to be. The more ok you become with getting it wrong and learning from each mistake or detour, the easier it is to detach from the overwhelm of each decision and the more you learn to trust yourself. All that we experience in this life is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, to feel more connected to the imperfect, flawed person that you are and to realise that accepting that person, loving that person, is far more important than stressing and striving for perfection.

Worry less about being perfect and worry more about being YOU. Make your decisions based upon what feels right for you, upon what fills you with a sense of anticipation and excitement for where it may lead you. Life is messy. It is lived in the lines between our successes and failures. Don’t stress so much about which of these each decision will lead to that you forget to truly live and experience life fully along the way.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x