on being a perfectionist procrastinator in denial
I am a perfectionist procrastinator. But I’ve only come to admit that today. even to myself. I have always been in denial of this fact, using conveniently exaggerated definitions of what those things are so that I didn’t fit into them. My inner critic tells me I never do anything perfectly so I can’t be a perfectionist, and that because I don’t do said things perfectly there’s no point doing them and so they get pushed aside again and again. But it’s not procrastination if you never have the intention to do it, right? These definitions are wrong and I owe it to myself to finally allow myself to accept what they truly mean, for me and my work.
perfectionist thinking triggers my inner procrastinator. Its a fact and one that I very much wish was not. But I’m working on it. how? I am trying my utmost to let go of the impossible goals I set for myself, breaking them down into smaller chunks and giving them space to actually become achievable. Smaller goals have always felt pointless to me. Why set myself a challenge I know isn’t actually going to challenge me? But the thing iS, I’m never going to achieve anything if I don’t do any work at all. And these bigger goals? I allow myself to believe Those are for the future. They are for future me to achieve and so I trick myself into believing I don’t have any work to do on them in the here and now. I don’t want to be that gal that’s all talk and no action. I don’t want to put out empty words and promises of the greatness I know I can achieve, not anymore. I want to be honest about where I want this journey of being a creator to go, Both to myself and to you. I want to be able to look back on all that I write and and see my growth, see the twists and turns I take on the path towards all I create in the future. To work through the things that are holding me back and share what those are. To remind both myself and anyone who happens to be reading this that being a creative is a difficult thing and is as much about mindset and willpower as it is about talent and skill. We all have our shit to work through, many of us are procrastinators and perfectionists, trying to find the balance between work and rest, between setting goals and actually achieving them.
break it all down. Make it manageable for yourself. There is no right or wrong way to be a creative, no one size fits all solution for success. Create shitty art. Allow yourself to have days where you can’t think of anything worse than having to do work and come back to it in an hour, tomorrow, the next day. Stop beating yourself up for being human. Life is an ebb and flow in every way. Inspiration, concentration, creation. They are like waves in the ocean, coming and going in a rhythm we cannot see, cannot predict. Embrace it, follow it and allow it to just be. As it is. Having a successful life is not about how many hours you put In, how many sacrifices you make In the name of your goals, how burnt out you are when you sit In the glow of completion. What’s the point of running yourself into the ground, beating yourself up and pushing yourself beyond your limits all for a vision of how you think it should be done? Being dedicated doesn’t mean selling your soul. It means going within and learning who you are as a person, as a creative and allowing yourself to show up to your work as the most authentic version of yourself. It means listening to what inspires you, turning away from what does not. It means unlearning all the ways in which you hold yourself back and changing the narrative so that it uplifts you instead of beating you down. It means accepting where you’re at and working with it instead of living in denial and playing it safe. There is no right or wrong way to be a creative. The only way is to be yourself. unapologetically.
i am a perfectionist procrastinator. I am no longer in denial. I am embracing it, learning from it, growing through it. I encourage you to do the same.
Here are some resources I have been using to work through this topic :
if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.
big love to you all x