I’ve had to take it slow this week, it’s been a big one. Lots has been happening and i’ve needed a little extra care in the moments in between. The week began with birthday celebrations and joy and has ended on a slightly heavier note. My emotions have gone from one extreme to another in a matter of days. It’s been a reminder to slow down, a permission slip to hibernate and take the time to understand what has been coming up within me. There was a time I would have rejected such a permission slip or at the very least felt immense guilt in accepting it. I’m sure this is a familiar experience to many of you. And so this week I want to advocate for slowing down. to get quiet and really listen to what is present for us, to listen to what our bodies are trying to tell us beneath all the anxieties and aches and pains. There are things that can only be learnt and understood when we slow down enough to hear them.

I’ve been anxious about something pretty irrational for a while now. It has slowly been consuming me, causing me to doubt myself in a way I thought was behind me. I’ve been hyperaware and yet at the same time completely misunderstanding what has been going on beneath the surface. I’ve been avoiding exploring the root of this anxiety due to the subconscious fear of what such an exploration might uncover. I thought I was handling it well enough and yet my body was giving me every sign that something was going on, the stress went deeper than I was willing to acknowledge. The other day I reached boiling point. it took feeling physically unable to be in my body for me to finally let it all out to myself and a dear friend. I have hurt myself by letting it get to that point. I’ve been hurting my relationship with myself and those I care about most by keeping it locked inside. I wasn’t letting myself trust anyone, was avoiding sharing vulnerably and authentically and thus have felt distanced from everyone around me, including myself. I couldn’t be alone with myself without drowning in self deprecating thoughts, which hurt after spending so much time and energy on building a relationship with myself I had come to cherish deeply. The things we keep within us, locked away out of sight slowly become a burden and a barrier. The words we don’t say are far heavier than the ones we do. They create a forcefield around us, preventing us from truly letting anyone in. The darkness will consume you until you find the courage to shine a light into the shadows and uncover what lurks in their depths. I needed a reminder that the dark is often far more scary than what lurks within it. With light comes clarity and eventually familiarity. What we choose to illuminate and endeavour to understand loses its power to haunt us so relentlessly from that moment on.

This anxiety won’t go away overnight. My healing will take a lot of time and a lot of patience. The journey will be full of ups and downs and dead ends and reroutes, but now that. the first steps have been taken, I’ve shared where I got lost and worked out which direction I must head to find my way home, it feels a little less daunting.

Share your darkness, my loves. You do not have to hold the torch that shines into it alone. The people that truly love you will not love you any less if they see what lurks within it. Let them see what you need them to love you through, allow them to hold your hand as you journey on your way home. Let their words of reassurance and encouragement wash over you and light you from within. Say the words that are so relentlessly creating that forcefield around you and let yourself be truly seen and heard and embraced by those you choose to let in. You don’t have to deal with the hard things alone. Asking for help or just a listening ear is not a sign of weakness or selfishness, it is a sign of strength, of vulnerability. The people who love you want to love all of you, let them in close enough to let them see it all. Let them love you, both darkness and light. Slow down enough that you may hear what is whispering within your bones. What you will hear is deeply important. Listen carefully, compassionately. Shine a light upon it and free yourself from the shadows. Step into the light.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x