I was worried I wouldn’t show up again this week, wouldn’t find my way back to this space I’ve created for us. I’ve been struggling these past few weeks, trying to find my feet amidst the shifting tides of change in my life. I was worried I couldn’t trust myself to show up for myself anymore, something I’ve struggled with and have been working on healing for a very long time. This is the longest I’ve dedicated to a personal project in my life. I started writing regularly in January and I’m honestly surprised at my dedication lasting this long. I normally dream up grand plans in my head, ideas form but never make it out of the confines of my mind. I’ve never followed through, never consistently worked on something I haven’t been told to do by someone other than myself. And so the fact that I’m here, writing eight months later, is a big deal.

I may have taken weeks off due to busy schedules or the need to rest but I’m still here, and I intend to stay. It’s a foreign feeling for me, looking back at the accumulation of moments I actually showed up for myself eternalised in the form of these blog posts. I have something tangible to show for the trust I’m slowly building in myself, the commitment I’ve been proving I have for these dreams to finally escape the confines of my mind into reality. It might be small but this blog is my way of ensuring I’m still moving forwards, despite whatever season of life I might currently be experiencing. My day-to-day focus might be elsewhere, and earning a living in whatever way I can and building friendships and communities around myself in this new life in Copenhagen but by showing up here too, I’m still working towards my dreams. And that’s something I really need right now, that sense of direction, that movement forwards, no matter how small the steps I am taking. I need it because the last couple of weeks have left me feeling a little lost, disconnected and directionless for no obvious reason.

Sometimes I get in my head about writing too much about myself here, worrying that if I make it all about myself there’s nothing for you to relate to. But I also know that I write in this way to be as authentic as possible. i’ve had to remind myself recently that I don’t always have to have something wise to say to be able to write something useful. I don’t always have to have a lesson to teach a new perspective to share. Sometimes the most helpful thing I can do is just be as honest as I can about the mess of a human that I am in order to make you other messes of humans feel slightly less alone. getting my degree and becoming an adult and uprooting my life thousands of miles away from home in pursuit of alignment is not the recipe for having my life together. I thought it was. I thought I would know more by now, thought I’d have it all figured out. I thought that by following this path of studying I would be led in the direction I needed to go, that it would all progress and fall into place.

I thought my education ended the day I graduated and that somehow I’d know far more than I do now about life and how to live it. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Life is the education. Life is the teacher of all things and nothing is learnt until you actively choose to live it. It is also for unlearning, for reevaluating what you want to thought to be true and deciding on your own truths. Life is teaching me right now the power of trust. The magic of surrendering to the trust that I am exactly where I meant to be and even in this season of change and distraction from my dreams, I’m still moving towards them. pace fluctuates, sometimes we are speeding along the path and other times our progress is slow. Sometimes our load is light and our focus is clear. Other times we have a lot on our plate and our focus is pulled in every direction possible. in times such as these we must trust. Trust that the seasons will change either by our own hand or by the passage of time and that in surrendering to that trust we lighten our loads and clear our focus just a little. Surrendering means trying to release the worries of losing momentum, of getting lost or letting someone down. It means turning within and finding that truth inside of yourself and using it as a compass to find your way once more.

In these weeks of turbulence change and feeling as though I’ve lost momentum and direction, I realise what’s actually been happening is a lesson in letting go, a lesson in trust. I’ve felt as though I’ve been underwater with no idea which way is up. My attention has been racing from one thing to the next and I’ve really been struggling to keep up. I struggle to return to myself, to stop for a second and root into the present moment. I’ve felt so lost. I had no choice but to surrender to it. And in surrendering I realised I have more choice than I thought. In letting go, I regained control. Because it allowed me to stop being ruled by my worries of letting myself down and losing sight of the things I want for myself. In letting go I released some of the pressure I’ve been forcing onto my own shoulders and I finally feel as though I might be able to breathe again soon. And honestly? Most of the letting go has happened as I write this post. Putting the words down on paper makes it all seem less chaotic, helps it makes sense. More and more so each week, I show up here with no idea what I’m going to write. It feels freeing. All I have to do is show up and be honest. With you and with myself. In being honest I am trusting. Trusting that I have something worth sharing. Trusting that magic occurs when I surrender to the process. Trusting that in my authenticity you find something useful, helpful, interesting.

It’s all about trust, my friends.

Surrender to it and see what magic it brings to your life.

It’ll probably surprise you.

Happy Friday my loves X

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x